Do you want to Shape, MOLD and rEdEfInE the future? Do you aspire to wake up in the morning excited about your job, the work you are doing, and the legacy you will leave to future generations? The TP lives on the bleeding edge of internet technology and culture. We are changing the face of the internet... and we are changing the world.
Come join this fast-paced, dynamic environment. We are looking to fill the following positions:
Sharp, agile, with poor olfactory senses, Distributors of the TP will print out and post the Toilet Paper in local restrooms on a regular basis. You will provide your own tape. Benefits of this job are significant:
a) a picture of you, smiling in your favorite stall, will actually appear on the TP website. See current TP Distributors. We will send your mother the link with a special message so that she will be proud of you.
b) a TP t-shirt. You may even opt to receive a t-shirt worn by the Editor In Chief or the Official TP Freedom Fighter! (pictured above).
c) the respect and admiration of your peers
d) 45 minutes of oral sex performed semi-annually by the Village Idiot (see below)
To apply to become a TP Distributor, send a 100 word essay entitled, "My favorite Spring Day" or "The First Time I Waxed My Ski Pole" to firstname.lastname@example.org. Your submission will be considered immediately.
Job Code - AYEH-107
Man Who Looks Like Hitler
In this role, you will be responsible for giving rousing speeches that will inspire the masses to flock to the TP website. All potential Man Who Looks Like Hitlers will have a slight build and the ability to convince thousands upon thousands of youth to post the TP in local stalls. The ideal candidate will have a short, squarish mustache. MBA Preferred.
Job Code - MWLLH-613
As the TP Drunk, you will drink beer or whiskey constantly and encourage others to do the same. You will rant incessantly about how great the Toilet Paper really is and how the TP is only a few days away from overtaking Yahoo as the internet's largest site.
Required - Digital Video Camera. Must be willing to enter bars, restaurants and other public places and Drunkenly proclaim that, "I work for The TP. That stands for The Toilet Paper. And I'm DAMN proud of it. www.thetp.com. Any Questions?" Must be capable of sending in videos once per month. Should be willing to projectile vomit on occasion.
You will also be responsible for the marketing strategy and general direction of the company.
Job Code - TPD-40
As the Village Idiot, you will compete among the other Idiots to collect coins and mushrooms in your quest to save the princess.
Job Code - TPDUH-2
Buttered and sweet, you will be hot to the touch, but moist in the mouth. Candidates must be soft, look good in a thong and enjoy sitting in a hunched over position hours. You will spread a hearty portion of butter on yourself every morning and will reapply in the early afternoon. Must be willing to use margarine or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on occasion. Job Code - ROLL-12