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The Aw Yeah! page is updated once a week and contains material that is far too experimental or unstable for the more normal confines of The Toilet Paper.  This week's edition of Aw Yeah! is....

CONFUSE RANDOM CONGRESS PEOPLE!

One of the beautiful things about the internet is it allows us to contact virtually anyone, anywhere, regarding any issue.  For example, you could contact a random congressperson in Washington, DC regarding the impeachment proceedings.  But instead of taking a firm stand, why not confuse them and see what kind of response you get?   Of course nothing practical can come of this, we'll only bog down our own governing organization and cost ourselves in the long run, but it'll be loads of fun.... you'll see.


Form Letter Version 1.0, your introductory copy, do not send:

[Current Date]

 

[Your Name]
[Your address or bogus
address in appropriate
congressional district.]

Dear Congressperson [Congressperson's Last Name] :

I would like to take a moment of your time to discuss the recent impeachment proceedings.  I am a homeowner and taxpayer [important to get their attention] in our lovely state and I wouldn't dare to wonder what life would be like if we allowed the country to continue down such a path. [Too vague, they don't know what you're saying.]  I know you and I both care deeply about this issue [They're happy because they think they're on the right side of the issue, they just don't know which issue.] because I recognize your own standings on such issues from your tenure in teh [misspellings are important] House and from what I've seen you do throughout your career.

I guess its superfluous and not necessary [be redundant] for me to say that this has got to stop immediately! [Feel free to throw in a "darnit!" here if you feel comfortable with it.  No real profanity, however, as this will tip them off to your real identity.  The use of exclamations is mandatory to let them know how passionate you are...this encourages responses.]  I know you are doing all you can to see this through to the end and I am thankful for all your dedication and hard work.  How can I help?  [You're so sincere and giving that they'll want to include you, they just won't know how.] If you'll recall back in early '96 [now they feel bad for not remembering] we met briefly and I got the impression I was very integral to your success then. [Now they feel sorry for you.] I am sure I can be of assistance again. That is why I am send you this email.  [What?]  Feel free to reply with any requests, legal of course (lets not get into another Monica-gate).  ha, ha, ha.  [Ha, ha, ha, funnyman.] 

In closing, I would appreciate any further comments you have on the impeachment proceedings, the war in iran [Iraq, Iran, whatever.], and any other issues I have touched upon.  Thanks so much for your time.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]


Form Letter Version 1.1, this is the one you send, just cut and past into your email program:

[Current Date]

 

[Your Name]
[Your address or bogus
address in appropriate
congressional district.]

Dear Congressperson [Congressperson's Last Name] :

I would like to take a moment of your time to discuss the recent impeachment proceedings.  I am a homeowner and taxpayer in our lovely state and I wouldn't dare to wonder what life would be like if we allowed the country to continue down such a path.   I know you and I both care deeply about this issue because I recognize your own standings on such issues from your tenure in teh House and from what I've seen you do throughout your career.

I guess its superfluous and not necessary for me to say that this has got to stop immediately!  I know you are doing all you can to see this through to the end and I am thankful for all your dedication and hard work.  How can I help? If you'll recall back in early '96 we met briefly and I got the impression I was very integral to your success then.  I am sure I can be of assistance again.  That is why I am send you this email.  Feel free to reply with any requests, legal of course.   ha, ha, ha. 

In closing, I would appreciate any further comments you have on the impeachment proceedings, the war in iran, and any other issues I have touched upon.  Thanks so much for your time.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]


Okay, great, now you're ready to mail away to the Congressperson of your choice.   You can find a listing of all Members of the House of Representatives and their homepages here. Their emails are easy enough to locate.  When you get your wonderful responses, make sure to send us a copy.  We'll print the best ones. 

Unfortunately, some of you are now thinking that we at the TP are just a bunch of cynical jerks and that this exercise is sad and useless.  You are wrong and dumb.   Just wait until you read these responses.  Good luck, Citizen, and God speed.

Thanks for reading.  Thoughts?  mailto:thoughts@thetp.com

 

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