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JEWS FOR JERRY

jerrylimo2.jpg (28877 bytes)
Jerry getting into limo after thanking Jews for Jerry.  Joe and MJ in background.

When we heard Jerry Springer's promotional tour of his new video "Too Hot For TV" took him to within a half hour of TP headquarters, we knew we couldn't squander the opportunity. With prior knowledge of the time and location of a Jerry appearance, we decided to hit the streets as missionaries for the JEWS FOR JERRY, CHURCH OF SPRINGER. As religious zealots who worship Jerry our goal was to document the reaction of Jerry and His fans. A total emotional breakdown on the part of Jerry hovered in the back of our heads as a nice, if unlikely bonus.

jerry.jpg (10762 bytes)An hour before Jerry arrived we (MJ and Joe) were circulating throughout the crowd, spreading the Word.  Jews For Jerry (JFJ), we explained, believe that Jerry will usher in the apocalypse and thereby bring about the 1000 years of peace and harmony predicted in Revelations. He (as in Jerry with a capital "H") will accomplish this through His exposition of the most despicable aspects of our society - Lo, his wisdom is infinite!  As JFJ. we asserted that Jerry is the New Messiah, meaning we believe in both Jerry and Jesus. In short, there is no liturgical justification for the Jewish Church of Springer, but lack of reason didn't deter us in the least.  In fact we relished it.  

When Jerry arrived, we marched into the music store where He was to set up shop. With us we had a bible and our two signs (still rolled up): "JEWS FOR JERRY" and "JERRY IS THE RED HEIFER" We must have been sending out the right religious looney vibe because we were immediately surrounded by security guards who eyed our posters suspiciously. The head guard, upon seeing the bible, offered, "Iım a religious man myself, but Iım going to have to ask you to leave." We countered with, "But..." Alas, he was too cunning for us, meeting our logic with, "NOW!". We were promptly ushered out, and MJ only regained admittance by promising to make a purchase of Springer related material: a Jerry Is One Bad Ass! t-shirt.

Shirt in hand MJ joined the line to speak to Him, while I (Joe) took the Word to the LA pedestrians. Below are two representative exchanges:

Conversation one:
Joe
- "Sir, do you believe in Jerry?"
Man - "You should be ASHAMED of yourself!"

Conversation two:
Joe
-  "Hi ma’am. Do you have a personal, sacred relationship with Jerry Springer?."
Woman - "What’s that ‘Jews For Jerry’ sign mean?"
J -  "We believe that Jerry Springer is the New Messiah?"
W - "You mean like the second coming?"
J -  "Um, yes."
W - "Oh that’s right, I forgot you’re Jewish."
J -  Stunned silence.

Inside, MJ began to worry he would wither under the suspicious stares, gestures, and whispering between security and Jerry's handlers. All were eyeing the good book clutched in his hand like it was a weapon. When he finally reached the head of the line a plain clothes security guard asked MJ what he wanted Him to sign. MJ said, "Well sir, I was hoping he could sign my Bible." Unbalanced by this request the guard shot a nervous look to Jerry's head handler who waved her hands and uttered an alarmed but silent, "No." It was almost as if she were behind MJ who was looking right at her.

At that moment Jerry gave MJ a warm smile. MJ placed his bible down in front of Jerry and asked Him reverently if He would sign next to a special passage that predicted His coming. Jerry's smile didn't fade in the slightest, nor, however, did He speak. He blinked once, then again, then finally said that He thought it best not to sign a bible. MJ did not ask Jerry to sign his forehead, as originally planned, as this might jeopardize his chance at any sort of Jerry signature. Instead MJ looked at Jerry solemnly and asked, "Well then, could you sign my t-shirt, Jerry?"
"Sure, what should I put?"
"To Jews for Jerry, Thanks, Jerry Springer"
Jerry laughed and mumbled something about this becoming a crisis in the middle east as he signed the T-Shirt.

The saga continues on page two

This has been a collaborative effort between Ooze and The Toilet PaperEverything you read in this article is 100% true… we swear to Jerry.


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TOILET PAPER
DAILY POLL:


If you were Jerry, would
you be honored/amused
or deeply disturbed by the
Jews For Jerry.


HONORED

DISTURBED

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