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WHITE HOUSE TRANS- FORMED INTO DEN OF INIQUITY - SPECIAL CRISIS REPORT

Welcome back, America. This is Peter Jennings reporting live from the Den of Iniquity formerly known as the White House. I haven't slept for 96 hours, and Goddamn am I cranky. Damn cranky, quite frankly.

Allow me to recap, for the thousandth time, the four bits of information we have concerning the Clinton, Lewinsky saga. 1.Clinton is a pervert, or at least most people would call him that. I just did and I'm a respected newscaster. 2.He abuses his power. 3.He would risk his presidency for a blowjob. 4.We have no idea whether or not recent allegations against him are true, but the story involves sex, a voluptuous intern and a President, so we're ignoring standard journalistic conventions.

So blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all work and no play makes peter a good boy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Almost as interesting as this story is the story about this story being the only story the world is covering. Pause to consider that one. I hold in my hands a copy of the Washington Post. Every front page article relates to Clinton and his alleged affair with Michelle Lewinsky. Related stories are inside on pages:
A2 A3 A4 A5 A6 A7 A8 A9 A10, B1 B2 B3 B4 B5 B6 B7 B8 B9 B10, C1 C2 C3 C4 C5 C6 C7 C8 C9 C10, D1 D2 D3 D4 D5 D6 D7

Buried on page D8 are the following headlines:
-Pope Calls Government of United States "A Giant Collection of Assholes"

-Boris Yeltsin Dies of Alcohol Poisoning, Medics Claim He Will Be Fine with Two to Three Weeks of Rest

-50,000 US Troops Steam Towards Iraq, Vegas Odds 2,000,000 to One for "Thorough and Complete Ass-Whoopin'"

-Arafat and Netenyahu Pledge Renewed Vigilance to Peace Process, Clasp Hands &Dance Hora

-Netanyahu Claims Real Name is "Netanyahoo!", Sues Popular Web Search Engine

-Thai Baht Loses 12% Vis--Vis the Dollar, Now Has Negative Value

-Gingrich Promises Campaign Finance Reform Upon Us, 10,000 Stand Outside Congress Flicking Wrists in Mock Masturbation

-Elvis Discovered!….Dead and Rotted Through in Graceland - Fans Admit, "I Guess He Really Did Die"

-Applegate Subscribes to The Toilet Paper from Jupiter

-Jesus Christ Returns To Usher In 10,000 Years of Peace

Look for these stories in future editions of the Toilet Paper.
To Continue with our coverage of Crisis at the White House, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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TP QUESTION OF THE ISSUE

Q: What is the difference between a drinking binge and dinner with the family?

A: er.

Q: What the &#%$&*@ kind of A: is that?

A: Well dipshit, if you must have it spelled out for you, the difference is hung-over and hung-ER-over.

(Note: this is a cute little pun suitable for youngsters; just edit out the cursing and the part about binge drinking and hung-over..)

TOILET PAPER CHALLENGE
ON-GOING, SUBMIT ANY TIME:

The first reader to adequately prove that their own legal name or the name of a friend or acquaintance is John T. Cross will receive full control of the TP for an entire issue. Just send in a copy of the jtc driver's license, passport or social security card and enjoy the power of disseminating any message you care to convey, in any format you care to convey it.

NEXT WEEK:
THE ADVENTURES OF ROGER THE MANAGER AND JENKINS THE OFFICE-IF BOY!

Faktoid of the day: A special and surprisingly true Washington faktoid edition:
There are more columns in Washington DC than in Athens, Greece. STG. (swear to god seal of truth)

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