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|LEONARDO DICAPRIO KICKS MATT DAMONS ASS|
|The Titanic did indeed prove to
be unsinkable, but its captain, heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio, was not on the ship
when it docked for the Academy Awards. DiCaprio was conspicuously absent from the
nominations for Best Actor, while the movie he championed garnered 14 nominations and 11
Matt Damon, on the other hand, was right in the thick of things with a nomination for Best Actor and winning an Oscar for Best Screenplay. Earning the thanks of Best Supporting Actor Robin Williams, and himself presenting an Oscar, Damon was the center of attention.
This attention continued two days later when DiCaprio confronted Damon at a nightclub outside of the Warner Bros. Studio. According to witnesses, a sickly DiCaprio with bloodshot eyes approached Damon smiling and extended his hand. Damon got up and began to talk. But halfway through the word hello, he found that his testicles had made the unfortunate acquaintance on DiCaprios left knee. His salutation ended up sounding like, "He-auahuaaaaukklsssssasssss. Oh. Sob. Oh. Why-"
DiCaprios smile quickly vanished. "So you think youre the shit now, just because Billy Crystal makes a few jokes about how great you are to a billion people. Well guess what, buddy, Im the shit. You hear that, Damon, Im the man." With this, DiCaprio smashed his elbow into the head of a still doubled over Matt Damon. "I was around before you, Ill be around after you. You got that?"
At this point several bystanders attempted to restrain the rabid actor. But the ever-resourceful DiCaprio grabbed a bottle off the bar, smashed it and dared anyone to approach. "Come on, tough guy," he said, still addressing the larger Damon. "How's your little screenplay gonna protect you now, huh? Wherere your adoring fans? Wheres your Oscar?" DiCaprio then repeatedly hit the other actor. While DiCaprio concentrated on the pummeling, two bouncers were able to detain him. As they dragged him down the street, DiCaprio could be heard screaming, "Come on, Demon. Thats your name right, you dirty Demon? Ha, I Met Demon. Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
DiCaprio now insists the incident was nothing more than playful bantering between two bright, young stars. Damon has vowed to write a sequel to his successful screenplay entitled, "Good Will Hunting Bad Leo," in which "a respectable citizen named Will pursues and destroys a real a-hole named Leonardo."
Asked if the movie was in any way autobiographical, Damon replied, "Absolutely not. My names Matt, not Will."
|TOILET PAPER POLL:
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MED SCHOOL STUDENT SHAVES HEAD
At approximately 8:35 p.m. Monday evening, a Johns Hopkins Medical School student shaved off every single brown hair on his head. The student then proceeded to scratch and rub his bald scalp for several minutes in an effort to fully appreciate what he had done and to remove the dry, flaky skin to which he had never before had such full access.
This exceptional student spoke exclusively with The Toilet Paper under the condition that he be referred to only as Adam. Adam, a first year medical student, was motivated to shave his hair in an effort to relieve the tension he felt following a particularly difficult exam.
"Youve got to understand the pressure were under. This is the premier medical institution in the country, maybe even the world. I have a lot of people expecting me to do well. And that pressure has to be relieved somehow." In the past, Adam has released stress by drinking four or five beers and watching football with friends on Sundays and by lifting weights regularly. But this time beer and weights just werent enough.
Other factors attributed to the shaving include a desire to look tougher, the need to save anywhere from 3 to 7 minutes each day on hair washing and combing, and Adams subtle but precise campaign to confuse his remarkably sexy girlfriend.