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Once again, Christians the world over celebrated Easter by attending church ceremonies and partaking in holiday traditions. This year was significant, however, for the virtually seamless transition from Good Friday to Easter Sunday and the overall satisfaction of participants.

"We did it! We pulled it off," exulted Pope John Paul II as the critical holiday weekend drew to a close. "The biggest Easter on record and it went off without a hitch."

Exit polls found churchgoers to be generally satisfied with their services, their clergymen and clergywomen and fellow worshippers. The mix between the religious aspects and the commercialization of the holiday were found to be appropriate and a record number of children under three believe in the Easter Bunny this year.

Of people who consider themselves to fall under the broad category of "Christian", 21% rated this Easter as "exemplary", 29% said it was "very good", 34% called it "good", 9% said it was average and only 7% found it to be "below average" or "poor."

"Look at these numbers," rejoiced televangelist Jerry Falwell. "We’re more popular than the Titanic! My God, we almost rival Jerry Springer’s newfound popularity."

In other news, the verdict is still out on this year’s Passover holiday celebrated by Jews. Passover began Friday evening and will run eight days. "The logistics of coordinating an eight day holiday are mind-boggling," says Rabbi David Kaye. "I liken it to a marathon. The training and determination to pull off one of these eight dayers… My God, it’s a miracle we can do it. I don’t know how those Catholics manage to make Lent happen. Forty days, incredible!"

So far Passover has received rave reviews, although not quite as impressive as the Passover of ’89. Final results could be in as early as next Saturday. No word yet on overall Lent results, but rumors abound that it has been a lackluster year in that category. Rome had no comment.

The average shower lasts 8 minutes and 24 seconds, approximately  8 minutes and three seconds longer than the time it takes to get really dirty.

BONUS FAKTOID - Interestingly enough, according to Microsoft Word, a suitable synonym for "shameful" is "drunken".


Have you ever been naked?

YES       NO




Three local pre-teens have been incredibly fed up and apathetic "like, forever." Blake Rosner, Ari Brentwood and Jake Pile, friends for years, have spent a lot of time hanging out complaining that "there’s nothing to do around here."

In the past month the twelve year olds have walked to the arcade "like twenty or thirty times", been miniature golfing once, had their moms drive them to the bowling alley three times and went to the mall twice. In spite of this, they insist, "There’s nothing to do. We can’t even get in to the cool R-rated movies."

"We’re bored as shit. We want some excitement," insists Jake. "I mean, Putt Putt is for little kids." After hours of deliberation, the boys decided the only thing to do was to sneak into their parents’ liquor cabinet and get drunk. Unfortunately, Ari’s dad was a recovering alcoholic so there was nothing but club soda there. Blake’s parents had put a lock on their liquor cabinet thanks to Blake’s "dumb" older sister. Jake’s family is Mormon so they didn’t have anything either.

"Why’d you have to be Mormon?" Ari wanted to know.

"Why’d you have to have an alcoholic for a dad," retorted Jake. "Look at me, I’m Mr. Brentwood," he chimed as he began pacing back and forth counting out his twelve steps. After Ari kicked Jake and punched him in the arm twice, the two decided Blake would go to the local beer and wine store and get the wino there to buy them beer.

The local wino, known throughout the town as Judge George, agreed to make the purchase in exchange for the boys’ change. He netted a cool $2.38 in the deal. The boys each consumed four cans of Milwaukee’s Best beer and walked around in a drunken stupor, laughing and pushing each other over for the next three hours. Then they were bored as shit again.

Asked why they didn’t spend more time on their homework, the three concurred, "That takes like four seconds. Then there’s nothing to do." Questioned as to why they didn’t play basketball or baseball, the boys frowned, "We do. But we want something cool to do." TP staffers pointed out that there was a creek nearby literally teaming with life and adventure, but the boys just scoffed and shook their heads.

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