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DOZENS DRUNK AT MARDI GRAS

Police reports indicate that dozens, perhaps even scores of people were drunk during this year’s annual "Mardi Gras" celebrations which concluded last week in New Orleans, Louisiana. This excessive hedonism has left many traditionalists in a state of shock and caused officials to rethink the merit of the holiday.

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The weeklong festival that many believe to be the grandest party in the America was marred by at least two "indecent acts". Gerald Helfan consumed no less than five beers and then shouted slurred obscenities to various women. Those within earshot were offended and left groping for reasons as to how this could have happened. Helfan was immediately jailed.

Another reveler was observed with a stomach virus, widely attributed to the high amount of alcohol he had consumed. This unidentified man vomited off of a balcony and onto the hood of a firetruck. "Firetruck!" the man is reported to have stated. He has since been deported.

The question being posed to many long time Mardi Gras attendees and local officials is whether the city can justify its sponsorship of an activity so focused on alcohol consumption. The mayor insists the festival "is about floats and plastic beads. This is not an *alcoholic orgy* as some have suggested. Don’t give us a bad name because a few bad apples drink. I’d say at most twenty or thirty people consume alcohol."

A random sampling of the crowds taken at the conclusion of Fat Tuesday seems to support the Mayor. More than 90% of those surveys swore to God that they would never drink again.

Faktoid of the day:  Two plus two equals four in all cultures accept one. Unfortunately, while the artist formerly known as Prince spoke at great length about his newly adopted culture, he would not reveal its name.


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WAR AVERTED WITH IRAQ! TP REVIEWS PACT

President Clinton and his advisors shared a collective sigh of relief as the United Nations successfully forged an agreement with Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. Excerpts from the agreement, brokered by U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, are printed below:

Item 1: Saddam will use deference and respect when referring to the great country of the United States. He will not knowingly or willfully engage in any activities that my lower the approval ratings of any sitting American President.

Item 2: In return, all U.N. Secretary Generals will refer to Saddam as "a man I/we can do business with". British officials must be quoted as calling Saddam "a bloody good bloke" a minimum of four times a year through 2004. "Bloke" may be substituted for "mate" twice in this time period.

Item 14: Saddam will not actively solicit weapons of mass destruction from Russia. If Russia furnishes these weapons, the transaction must be disclosed within eight years or at the time of their use, whichever comes first.

Item 24: Saddam may not barter crude oil for anthrax. He can only barter with refined oil.

Item 25: Saddam may not fraternize with Fidel Castro. E-mails entitled "Tricks of the Trade" or "I’ve Outlasted Nine American Presidents, How About You?" may not be exchanged.

Item 31a: Saddam will be allowed only 613 private Presidential Palaces.  None can be cooler than Camp David.

Item 42: Saddam will not use the bombs, chemical weapons or biological agents he is not supposed to have unless given really good reason. "Really good reason" will be defined at a future date.

In response to the "despicable agreement", Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott has drafted the following resolution: Should Saddam Hussein violate the letter or spirirt of the current UN brokered agreement, the United States reserves the right, maintains the ability, and harbors the will to forge any alternate agreements it sees fit.

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