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Vol. 1, Number 39
KURT COBAIN DEAD OF
PANCREATIC CANCER, NOT
SEVERE HEAD WOUNDS

He was heralded as the savior of rock and roll. He sold millions of albums. He ushered in a new era for the angst-ridden generation known simply as 'X'. And then Kurt Cobain took his own brilliant but tormented life.

It was an open and shut suicide case, complete with the handwritten note, the spent shotgun lying forgotten on the floor, and the body without a head.
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Correction: Open and shut and open. At a press conference yesterday, Dr. Rudolph Simpson made the incredible claim that Kurt Cobain did not die of severe gun shot wounds to the head, but a slow and debilitating cancer of the pancreas. Simpson's claim has been substantiated by several independent medical experts.

"I suspected Cobain had pancreatic problems since I first saw a clip of him in 1992," reports Simpson, an orthodontist with a private practice. "It was his skin tone and bloodshot eyes that were the real clues. Typical diagnosis actually."

Pursuing his suspicions, Simpson petitioned the Cobain estate for permission to exhume the body. Two years after his initial request, the official papers came through and the following day Simpson was at the cemetery with a shovel.

A thorough analysis revealed a pancreas in the final stages of decay. "The cancer had completely destroyed the pancreatic organ. There were gaping holes; it was literally rotted through," Simpson shakes his head. "It's a wonder he hung on as long as he did."

A healthy male organ is 8 to 10 inches long and 1 inches thick.

According to Simpson the disease killed Cobain over a period of at least five years. "It was a terribly slow death. Really quite sad.

"The real shame of it all is that this is a very treatable disease. More than 91% of all pancreas transplant recipients are alive and healthy one year after the operation."When asked to explain the missing head, Simpson balks, "My area of expertise is teeth. My hobby is pancreatic disorders. I am not a brain surgeon nor a head doctor. I'm not even a shrink, so I really don't feel it would be appropriate to postulate on the missing head."

Cobain was unavailable for comment. 

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YESTERDAY THE TP POSED THE FOLLOWING
Floating Hmmm:
Is it possible to stir one's
coffee in a manly fashion?

The following was submitted by Don-
In earlier times, real men would have stirred their coffee with their
broadswords or arrows, depending upon where they lived in the world.  Guns and rifles could also have been used, except for the likely damage to the weapon from the coffee.

Currently, men have few tools that are as readily identified as the
tools of real men. So, one possible manly way to stir coffee these days could be the use of a piston rod from a Chevy 454 engine.
--Well done Don, well done.

And this, sent anonymously:
REAL MEN USE THEIR POCKETKNIVES TO STIR THEIR COFFEE.
   
THE SAME KNIFE THEY USE TO CLEAN THEIR TOENAILS
OR SCRAPE GREASE OFF AN ENGINE BLOCK.
--Yeah!  And real men write in CAPITALS (never sissy itallics)

FACTOID OF THE DAY:
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

 

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