E-mail Plea One:
======== T P N O M I N A T E D A S ========
======== C O O L S I T E O F T H E Y E A R ========
-Unbelievable? Of course.
-Undeserved? Most likely.
-Uncle? No, I'm your second cousin Mort. I just look a lot like
your uncle. You'll see that I'm quite a bit older and balder when
I step into the light. Now go back to more appropriate "un" words.
-Unconstitutional? Uncouth? Unconscious? Yes, yes, yes.
Right, so what does all this Cool Site Award business mean?
I shall attempt to explain in outline form:
I. We must win this Award
A. If we win, we may get a free trip to New York
to attend the awards ceremony
1. Robin Leach is hosting the event
3. Success or failure, we'll capture it all on film
4. You'll get to see Robin Leach squirm uncomfortable as a
normal looking fellow lunges at his nostrils, trying
valiantly to plunge in with an index finger or a thumb.
B. Winning will give your humble satirical servants here at the
TP a sense of purpose and justification - not to mention tons
II. How we will win this Award
A. As a recipient of the TP, it is your civic duty and moral
obligation to stuff the ballot box
1. Visit http://www.coolsiteoftheday.com/csoty/98humor.html
2. Vote for the TP. Remember our motto of the Awards Ceremony:
A chicken in every pot and a finger in every nostril.
B. Return and vote often.
1. Voters are allowed to vote once every day until Jan. 7
2. We wouldn't actually expect anyone to do this. This is only for the grossly over-devoted readers.
III. Tell Your Grandkids
A. This e-mail is proof that you were around at the beginning.
B. Slap them(the hypothetical grandkids) upside the head when
they call you an old, arthritic liar.
Yes, we're falling into this painfully transparent ploy to drive people to
the Cool Site of the Day site, but we really, really want to win. So visit
http://www.coolsiteoftheday.com/csoty/98humor.html and vote for the good
ole TP as Cool Site of the Year.
E-mail Plea Two:
======= ROBIN LEACH'S NOSTRILS ========
Last week, we informed you that The Toilet Paper is in the running for the
Cool Site of the Year. As you know, Robin Leach will be hosting the event
and if we win, your very own TP Editor In Chief has pledged to plunge (or
attempt to plunge) a finger into Robin Leach's nose. Many of you wrote to
us begging that instead someone stick a finger in Mr. Leach's arse.
Unfortunately, no one here is willing to do that. Should you have any
other unprosecutable pranks that you feel should be performed at the
ceremony, please let us know. mailto:email@example.com Will print some
the better ideas in the next issue. And of course, we still need you to
help us stuff the ballot box... it's your TP duty. Visit:
E-mail Plea Three:
This is it, our last plea and your last chance to vote for the TP
as Cool Site of the Year. In fact, it may already be too late. But
darnit!, you may as well try. So go to:
If you've already voted, thanks. Now vote again you bastard. (You
can vote once a day.) And as if the word "bastard" weren't enough
motivation to make you perform you civic duty as a TP citizen, then
here is the most moving piece to every grace the sheets of the TP:
=== A Little Q and A From Our Friends 1 & 2 ===
1-Q: How many communists can fit in a Yugo?
2-Q: (sigh). How many?
1-A: Six small communists, but not comfortably.
2-Q: (perking up) Would I be amiss to interpret that answer as political
commentary on the former Republic of Yugoslavia, once home to six small,
1-A: Yes, you would be amiss.
2-Q: (agitated)Well then, how many communists can fit in my arse?
1-A: None, silly. Well…maybe a pinky finger. But not comfortably.
1-Q: By the way, does the pinky finger represent communism?
2-A: (exasperated, agitated silence).
There, now you're surely motivated.