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MARKETING FIRM CONFIRMS SEX REALLY DOES SELL

    A New York marketing firm has confirmed what many believed to be only a trite saying: sex really does sell! In a full 1,087 out of twelve hundred cases, shoppers were influenced to purchase a particular brand based on sexual images or innuendo.

    "Yeah, if I see a hot babe on the package, I'd probably by that wrench," says mechanic Suhas Malkan. "Me 'n Dave 'n Tom don't see too many women around the garage." Would Mr. Malkan pay *more* for the wrench with the sexy girl? "Yeah, probably. I'd pay more for poorer quality even. Dave and the trucks ain't much to look at."

    "Essentially we've confirmed what many marketers assumed was only a myth," says researcher Dan Paskow. "Sex is a powerful tool. Perhaps even more powerful than a good slogan. Definitely more important than quality or value.

    "Have a dozen fans to move?," asks Paskow. "You'll do best if they undulating seductively. Or if they come on to the air-conditioning unit. Want to sell a candle? Show it entering a willing candleholder and you'll do fine. Promoting your S.A.T. prep course? Better have those instructors dress in bathing suits and give them whips and handcuffs."

    The study was applied to durable consumer goods. Results of a second study focusing on pornography, phone sex and prostitution were even more dramatic. A full 99.83% of shoppers of these products were influenced by the prospect of sex.

    "Why did I choose the busty, scantily clad prostitute? You mean as opposed to that big, burly man with the hairy arms? I don't know, I guess this one just turned me on more," says man on the street George Michael. "She was sexier."

    The financial affiliate of the marketing firm has also been working overtime and has found irrefutable proof that the old adage, "Buy low, sell high" is a worthy philosophy for investment.

FAKTOID OF THE DAY
The Ronald Reagan Building, named after that great champion of small government, was dedicated earlier this week in Washington, DC. It is the second largest federal building, built at a cost to American taxpayers of $800 million.

MUSTANG, SCHOOL BUS
    RACE, 'STANG WINS

Yesterday afternoon at approximately 2:35p.m. a black Mustang GT with manual transmission pulled along side a large yellow school bus teeming with youngsters. As the red light lingered, the driver of the Mustang, Joel Schneider, noticed the school bus driver looking at him and revving his engine. Eager to accept the challenge, Schneider revved his own engine and gave the driver a wry smile before turning his attention to the traffic light before him.

When the light finally turned green, Schneider raced forward in a flash, calling upon all 210 horses and using the full force of his 4.6 liter engine. The car revved to 5000rpm before Schneider shifted. He did not take his eyes off of the speedometer until he hit sixty miles per hour. At that point he finally allowed himself the luxury of glancing in the rear view mirror. He was rewarded with the sight of a yellow dot of a school bus lagging far behind him.

At the next intersection, Schneider rolled down his window to taunt the driver and many of the children in the front rows of the vehicle. He then sped off.

SHORT SHOTS
In association (sort of) with CNN
ie. we borrow our headlines
from Mr. Turner

*Minimum Wage Increase Didn't Hurt Employees, Study Finds*
In related news, it is believed that vaccinations may be good for children and a new poll finds food is very important, especially for starving people.

*Pope Prays For Three Who Died In Vatican*
"Actually, I prayed especially hard." -- John Paul

*Rescuers Comb Peruvian Trash Site For More Survivors*
Three salvageable records and an old aquarium rescued.

*Evidence Found Dating Earliest Known Erect Humans*
"It was right around the time when Playboy first hit the newsstands." -- Anthropologist David Markovitz

*Apple Unveils New Computer, Aims For More Market Share*
"Our accountants have told us to think different." -- Steve Jobs

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