His head is as big as this résumé
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Discover a sense of purpose and fulfillment through the writing of sensitive, well-orchestrated, meaningful content for acclaimed online magazine. Use satire as vehicle for getting laid.
Activist - The Force Is a Tool of Satan Protest - Manns Chinese Theatre, May 19th,1999
- Save naïve movie goers from being corrupted by George Lucas evil Film, "The Phantom Menace" outside of premier.
- Brandish Sign, "If You Believe in the Force Then You Are Not a Christian."
- Pass out literature - The Force Is a Tool of Satan
Normal Guy - Normal Guy Beach Stand - Venice Beach, CA, April 1998 Present
- Own and operate boardwalk beach stand consisting of a card table and the following sign
NORMAL GUY! This is Joe, a 22 year old white male. Joe does not read palms. Joe is not a psychic. Joe cannot paint. (It took a lot out of him just to make this poster). Joe cannot fashion airplanes out of beer cans. Joe has not created a sand sculpture in years. And when he did, they were mediocre at best. What does Joe do?
- Pretend not to notice glares from other beach stand operators that read palms, tell the future, create sand sculptures and fashion airplanes out of cans, both soda and beer.
- Answer question "What do you do, Joe" with "I like to read.[pause]I play a little basketball."
Founder, CEO, Editor-in-Chief, CFO, COO, CTO, Writer, Photographer, Intern, Dude Who Mops the Floor - The Toilet Paper Staff Page, Nov. 1997 Present
- Edit satirical magazine with explicit goal of an issue in every restroom in America
- Visit bathroom stalls in various American cities posting the TP
- Sort through thousands of pieces of hatemail, responding with quips like, "Lay off the caffeine." and "My mother is a fish."
Superhero - Palindrome Man - Various locations, Oct. 1996 - Present
- Stroll city streets with cape and large "P" pinned to chest.
- Hand out stories about Chin Ho and The Palindrome Palace.
- Shrug off strange looks from 98% of public. Accept hugs and acclaim from 2% that appreciate palindromes.
Piece of Cheese, Lollipop - Cheese/Lollipop Factory - Madrid, Sept. 1995
- Details available at Lollipop
Co-Conspirator - Naked Halloween Fest University of Maryland, Oct. 1994
- Justify gala affair to Department of Resident Life in which "the less you wear, the less you pay" while in the capacity of Resident Assistant
- Walk through dorms dressed in toga with Flight of the Valkyries (Die Walkure) pounding over the radio proclaiming, "Come to the Naked Halloween Fest!"
- Allow fellow conspirator Dan Buck to do vast majority of the work
Botanist, Landscaper - Grass Carpet, Inc. Dorm Room, Sept. 1994 - Nov. 1994
- Make valiant effort to grow 140 square feet of grass to use as "carpet alternative".
- Dispose of dozens of 2x1 trays of mud, grass seed and fertilizer.
- Transport fully functional 400 pound concrete fountain to fifth floor dorm room
- Explain that, "Yes, thats a fountain. Yes it works. No you may not piss in it."
General Contractor - Great Wall of Rockville Rockville, MD, May 1993
- Conceive of vision to close Richard Montgomery High School with giant cinderblock wall
- Lead team of 50 high school seniors to acquire and transport materials and construct wall
- Successfully evade police officers when construction was halted prematurely
- Taunt friend and Great Wall laborer Andy Karch with song, "Andys not going to Ya-ale, Andys not going to Ya-ale, because hes going to have a criminal re-cord, because hell have a criminal re-cord," while hiding in the bushes.
Extraordinarily Friendly Fellow Hall outside of Mrs. Heymans classroom, October 1992
- Insist, "After you" while graciously beckoning fellow classmates into Calculus class and holding door open
- Insist, "No no, I couldnt possibly go first, Lu. After you," to friend Lu Nguyen
- Insist, "No, no, really, after you. Please," to friend Lu Nguyen
- Listen intently as Mrs. Heyman, Calculus teacher, explains, "If you both dont get in here right now Im going to fail and suspend you."
- Insist, "Lu, you are too kind, but I must insist, after you," to friend Lu Nguyen
- Sit in hall and chat with Lu for 45 minutes.
- Bid farewell to classmates, thank them for coming and for "bringing the guacamole dip".
- Plead with Mrs. Heyman to reconsider.
Partner - Prom Date International Inc. Rockville, MD. May 1992
- Greet arriving students to aforementioned R.M.H.S. in suit and tie with following flier:
ATTENTION ALL FEMALES! Tired of men who dont treat you right? How about a prom night in style with Matt Fred or Joey Steinberger? All expenses paid. Submit application today! (Prom dress not included. Under fourteen please get parents permission. Family members of Matt or Joey may not participate.)
- Sift through and categorize 170 submissions
- Studied through age of 8 when forced to abandon academia for prison
- Paid a check to the prestigious Phi Beta Kappa Honors Fraternity in exchange for a cheese danish and a cup of coffee.
W ADJECTIVES THAT DESCRIBE JOE
- wistful, weird, wacky, wanton, wild, worthwhile, witty, wroth, worldly, wont, wise, withy
- white, winsome, wired, willing, whole, whopping, well, well-meaning, well-read
- well-done, warped, willful, wasted
- Joe has an irrational fascination with the word "schneider", which he uses as a replacement for any number of common nouns and adjectives ("shneidery" being the adjective form).
- Joe makes regular reference to the vague, messianic figure, John T. Cross. Joe is fully aware that John T. is fictitious, but he enjoys speaking about him regularly and doodling his name in bubble letters. John T. may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.
- Joe sabe hablar el español y le gusta utilizarlo con sus amigos de vez en cuando aunque no le entienden. Normalmente esto dura dos horas como minimo y se ponen furiosos con él. Eso es lo que le encanta. (Sub-par translation available at http://babelfish.altavista.com/)
- Ignorance is bliss. The unexamined life is not worth living. Were all screwed. Q.E.D.
Available upon request. Please contact Beatrice Kay, Joes grandmother at email@example.com.