MAGAZINE STAFF WALLOWS IN LETHARGIC INTOXICATION
San Diego, California - Thursday, July 13, 2000. The Toilet Paper (Nasdaq: SHIT), the satirical magazine best known for its failure to produce new content, announced today that its staff is wallowing in a prolonged state of lethargic intoxication. The site still contains no content, and despite much discussion, pronouncements and proclamations, still does not offer anything new to its readers.
"The desire is certainly still there," explains TP Freedom Fighter Bryan Kocol while vomiting in the Editor in Chiefs' bathroom. "It just seems like every attempt to produce something interesting for our readers ends in a chemical-induced haze."
The Toilet Paper still plans to explore topics as varied as Stonewall Jackson's arm and the effects of pepper spray to the face, and has piqued much reader interest with its plans to introduce a big, hairy ass that would answer questions and help surfers find things more easily. "We really have awesome plans," says Kocol. "Truly awesome. I mean it. That awesome."
"These are thrilling times," pronounces TP Editor In Chief Joe Steinberger. "I just wish we could remember what we talked about the other night."
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